A life to keep balance
by Selkie-smile
Summary: Morgana returns after a year with almost a full personality transplant.


Morgana gazed at him, eyes full of sorrow. "Oh Merlin, have you truly not been listening. I've Seen you. It took me so long to recognise you, but I have Seen what they told you. How many times has it been said? Nimue stood by you,a priestess of the Old religion and named it, 'Together we could rule the world'. The evil one, Sigan made the same claim, and there have been others, hasn't there." She shook her head. "However much it may grieve you we can never stand together, for truly Emrys, You and I _together_? No one would ever stand a chance of stopping us. We are each others balance. I am the only one who could hope to check you, and you are the only one who can contain me. We stand opposed because we _must_. I cannot stand beside you as you so desperately wish because nothing would stand a chance, and the land would succumb to our desires. With no opposition, how easy it would be to become drunk on the power, and pave the way for the destruction of all things, good intentions that breed chaos." She reached up, placing an elegant hand against his face and running her thumb delicately over the cheekbone, "I know the pain that comes after this, the terrible things that will be done, but I swear to you that I am doing this to protect you. To protect all of us. Please. I love you, I always have, even when you were just the mess of contradictions who stumbled too often to count, and brought me potions you knew weren't enough. I...I forgive you.. For what you did. Remember that Merlin, please. Remember for _me_ , because I won't. I can't. If...If I don't forget I'll never be strong enough to be your counterpoint. You could be my High priest, and I could be your Queen of Magic, but that way lies the undoing of the world. In another life perhaps we could...but not this one. Not now. I am sorry to ask it of you my love, so sorry, but I need to to erase my knowledge of you. It is the only way to save magic, to save Arthur. It is the only way to save _me._ The penance for this- for my life- will be severe, but you know that. Your own burden will be to remember, and to _know._ Please, do not make me into Sigan, Trying to force you to my side, or harnessing your own power to use as a weapon. It is more beautiful than you know. I promise, Emrys, one day, when all of this is over, when you have been my doom, you will be my destiny again. Yours does not finish with Arthur, but I swear it is not all pain. The terror and destruction I have Seen, but you cannot imagine the joy that I also Saw. Now please Merlin, take the joy from me, take the hope, keep it safe. It is yours, and will always be."

Tears spilled freely down the oh-so human face of Emrys. Of all the things he had imagined himself doing if they found Morgana, all the terrible things his destiny had demanded of him, he could never have imagined this. It was worse than anything the dragon had ever demanded, more than the druids expected, and he had _never_ been able to say no to _her_. He scrubbed a hand across his eyes. "Please no." He was not ashamed of begging, "Don't make me do this, we can find another way together." He searched her face for any hint of her keeping something from him and his heart broke as he found none.

"Oh, My Merlin. This _is_ the other way. Be glad that you have not seen the others, pray you never do. You and I. We were never destined to have simple lives, tilling fields or laughing in sewing circles. _We_ are _legend_ , and it will cost us our own souls to preserve as many as we can. Through blood and fire my love.

Morgause has no idea who you are, and believes me incapable of forgiveness. I may become so, in this shell, before the end, but she must never, ever know who you are, and so neither can I. She has ways of... _stealing_.. Knowledge from a person's mind, and worse ways of extracting it. I would not wish that upon anyone.

This is the only way to salvage anything now, I swear it. Please, I beg you Merlin, relieve the pain if you can, and remember me. Remember _me_ , _Morgana,_ who loved the sword, and teasing Arthur, and gave dresses to Gwen, cared for others. Remember me when I forget.

I'll be the darkness, you be my light. You be my heart, and my reason to fight. I will buy you the time that I can. Beware Merlin, there is much you do not yet know, and many secrets around you." Openly sobbing now, Merlin enfolded Morgana in his arms, feeling her fear through her trembling limbs and wishing he could soothe it away, steal her back with him. The woman he never wanted to hurt, had saved when he should perhaps have let her go. Betrayed when he wanted to trust. The only other person to ever talk to Arthur the man, not only Arthur the prince. What she was asking of him was cruel, unbearably cruel to both of them, and he honestly wasn't sure that he'd ever recover fully. She was offering herself, no, _sacrificing_ herself, and any chance of their own happiness, all in the name of balance, and the old religion. Silently he acknowledged that protecting everyone from _him_ as well. He knew enough about his power that he was afraid of himself at times, and gods if he could have shared that with her… yet she was demanding he erase all knowledge, any possibility of _them_ together, or even on the same side. All trace of her forgiveness. He felt sick.

"Merlin. We cannot both be the light, and we both know that you are stronger. If you cannot do this then _you_ will become the darkness, however unwillingly, and no one will ever be able to defeat you. It will continue as long as you do, and you are magic incarnate. Through you the magic of the land would be poisoned, the magic sorcerers and minor witches drawn on would blacken and wither, and you, _Emrys_ will not. I have Seen you kill me" She shuddered violently. "If it _must_ happen then I would rather it be the light slaying the darkness, not the darkness killing the light. If you ever cared for me, you will do this, and respect my choice. I am choosing to give myself over to evil, so that the evil itself can be stopped. I will _never_ be able to defeat you Emrys, and without those around you, Merlin, how easy it would be to strengthen yourself in the dark arts and depart from the Way you are called to. You _must_ train yourself and practice, but your friends will help you not to stray too far from your true self Merlin. That is what will one day save Albion. You know it, You can feel the truth of it, can't you." A sad smile curled her lips. "And you hate it as much as I do."

Merlin held her tightly against him, never wanting to let her go. "I do. I hate it. I want so much to believe you are wrong, but everything else is too...you know too much. Everyone who has ever _known_ has died."

"Ssh. I know. And now so must I, but this time it is not anything that you have done. If anyone is to blame it is the triple goddess, and what am I but Her servant? Already hers to command. You know exactly how that feels, and not only from Arthur. I am not angry at you, and I no longer blame you. There could never be a happy ending for all of us on this side of Avalon. In the end what are we but pawns in the games of the gods?" There was a bitterness in her smile that was just _wrong_. It had been her deepest frustration at court to be seen as Uther's political pawn. How little she had known.

Her fingers tangled in his hair as he pressed his lips desperately to hers, she responded just as roughly, until they had to break gasping for breath.

"I don't...I can't... _Morgana_.." She brushed the tears from his face, ignoring the blurring of her own vision. "Quickly now Merlin, think of it as giving me mercy from what will come. The only protection you can afford me. We don't have much time my love."

He froze it. Froze everything around them. "We have all the time you need Morgana."

She chuckled warmly, "No wonder you worry, you truly do not know your power do you?" He shrugged, "This isn't really magic Morgana, I don't do anything complicated, it just happens." She shook her head, "No it doesn't, it happens for _you_. Only for you. Magic loves you Merlin. She always has. The very Earth listens to your heart." She lay one hand over it, dropping her eyes from his intense gaze. She wondered, not for the first time if he could hear her thoughts."

He tilted her head upwards and she saw the moment his earnest compassion and terror hardened into a steel resolve, just before he peppered her face in light kisses. "Okay. Alright Morgana. If you are certain. Absolutely certain that this is the truth and it is not from one of your- one of _them_ , I'll do it. No, don't look away ashamed. I _know_. Gods if anyone understands what it is to be forced by circumstance, by the choices of others, by fucking prophecies, into taking the least horrific option, or doing the unthinkable, it's me. I swear in the Old religion that I will never, ever forget who you were, who you have been this day. I will look forward to that day I can finally see _your_ true self again in Avalon." Tears sprang to her eyes as she realised that he honestly did not know the meaning of Emrys, glad when he misinterpreted their cause.

"That Morgana will always hold a precious part of my heart."  
"As Merlin will always have mine. Time to be Emrys, Merlin. And remember, _I_ forgive you."

She brought his lips to hers and lost herself in sensation, welcoming the blinding light that faded to blackness as he fulfilled her desperate demand and normal time resumed, Morgana going limp in his arms.

Merlin wished he could linger, but he had already been here too long and Morgause would be looking for Morgana, she was too important an asset to lose. He couldn't afford to be seen next to Morgana as she lay in a magically induced sleep. He had blocked all but the faintest traces of everything she had asked him to. Her forgiveness, his magic, their shared destiny, shared feelings, his _identity_.

How he would ever be able to fight fully against her, _kill her again_ he had no idea. He couldn't tell Gaius, he'd never understand, and even if Arthur knew he would never understand that destiny doesn't just 'change' nicely. He would never forgive _this_ even if he forgave the magic.

Gwen was a good woman, but in the end, she was never torn by the same kind of pressures he and Arthur were. Kilgarrah might actually roast him, Dragonlord or not.

Yet Morgana's visions had helped him in the past to save lives, they had been proved accurate so many times.

It was yet another secret he would have to carry alone.

Carefully he lay her on the ground, as gentle as he would ever get to be with her he knew, smoothing the hair back from her face. At least he could give her a peaceful sleep this once, and keep the memory of the soft smile the graced her lips now. Pressing a last kiss to her forehead and took a step back. Taking a deep, steadying breath he turned and strode away quickly, knowing if he stayed he would never leave. He had chosen his side long ago, but ever been torn between the siblings. She may never know it, but Morgana had ordered him to oppose her, and stand by Arthur. It should have given him comfort, that permission and forgiveness, but he found that for now it gave only pain. He walked for hours, knowing that he couldn't return to the castle straight away, not like this, away from the camp, and away from Camelot, until the only life he felt around him was the life of the forest and it's creatures. Finding himself at the lake he finally let go, his stomach emptying itself.

Merlin stared out across the glassy water and roared his pain to the sky until he had no more voice. There was a far away voice that joined him in his grief, and a momentary soothing of the aching loneliness, the emptiness that threatened to consume him. He knew a part of his own soul had been lost with the core of Morgana's, and he could never get it back. They might become legend, but in such tales, it seemed that the individual men and women were often lost. Few of them led long, happy lives. He would fight for others to do so though, even if his own heart burned up in the process.

Curling in on himself he let the tears flow until blessed oblivion took him. Protected by the Lady of the sacred lake from the nightmares he knew would plague him of this day.


End file.
